It’s okay - I joke to make it more comfortable.

Wow, she runs? Really? Come on…yeah, I do. Get over yourself, I propel my body forward, running - not skipping, not walking, not sliding, running albeit slow.

Anyway, as I stuff my body into my running clothes I look like a sausage overstuffed in a casing because many of these running apparel companies don’t target my size. I’ve tried some clothing “made for my size” and working out….yeah, not the same. Give me real wicking properties, not a shirt that makes me sweat more putting it on.

I picked up a shirt off of eBay because I wanted to try the Junonia workout clothes, but not pay $70 bucks for the right to find a shirt in my size. Thank goodness I only paid like $4 for it…the material is heavy as crap and not super great at wicking. I’d rather be shoved tight in a good wicking shirt that does the job and doesn’t leave me in a bigger pool of sweat….

So for now, this girl will roll down the road in her too tight shirt because it’s the one that WORKS better for me. Maybe not for everybody….but for me. Wicking my ass….geez, the thing is like putting a quilt on, and I almost paid $70 bucks for the thing. Do yourself a favor, hit the men’s department of Target or something if you aren’t finding your size in women’s and get something cheaper that actually works. C9 is made by Champion and is at Target at a decent price. You can pick up a shirt for $10 to see if it works for you….don’t waste your time paying an arm and a leg for something that may not work.

Another place to check out is Marshall’s and Target. I was able to find a Nike DryFit in XL that I can squish into that works well…and I didn’t pay a fortune because it wasn’t a popular color I guess. I can live with an orange shirt at half the price since I’m just going to sweat in it.

Wick away my sweat baby, because I’m still running.

Fat girl complex is that point in your mind where everything you do is based on your size. “Will they not like me because I’m fat?”, “Will I fit in the seat on the airplane?”, “I have to be smarter, better, stronger at this or that, so they don’t notice I’m fat”…..oh yeah…the games we play with ourselves and the things we over achieve on because we’re fat, and want to prove we can — even if we are fat.

I’m not sure about everyone else, but for me it’s been an interesting journey. I was at a hotel a few weeks ago that had a full length mirror. I don’t have a full length mirror at my house, but see myself time to time in fitting rooms in stores. The thing is, at a store, we’re trying on clothing and seeing how it looks on us, and we’re all ready in this self-loathing, oh I’m so fat mode. This shirt makes me look fat — or ummm, could it be I’m putting a shirt on a frame that carries more than 200 pounds? Okay, so that’s besides the point….haaaa

Anyway, I’m in the hotel and I can’t help but study my body in the mirror. Geez, I think I’m starting to be a little smaller than I used to be. I’m not talking small, I’m talking “smaller than I was”. I looked at my hips, my waist, my shoulders — and I was more narrow. Is it an illusion? Then I turned sideways….BINGO! There’s the body I know and loathe at moments. Carrying extra weight, looking pregnant though my kids are almost grown — so I turned back and looked at myself from the front…and yes I saw it - I smiled, and I was right. I was more narrow in this direction — just not in the other yet. I’ll get there eventually if I keep at it…and if I don’t, maybe I’ll at least learn more about myself during the journey.

Either way, I’m moving my body - eating better, and my clothes are fitting a little better….and for a moment I was able to look in the mirror and see the start of a body I could appreciate a little more. These legs have carried me through three half marathons, countless miles of training, and my body is appreciating the healthier foods I’m feeding it - the smaller portions are more than enough, and I’m doing okay. I’m still going to be in plus sizes for quite a while. I thought the weight would drop off quicker, but even at a slow pace, I’m getting healthier — and in my 40’s, I’m all for that.

Am I trying to dress nicer, or am I trying to be perceived as dressing nicer? I feel nice when I take care of myself, but it started me thinking - who am I really dressing for? When I look in the mirror - am I happier seeing myself in one style of clothing over another?

Do I want my husband to notice? My friends, my family?

I’ve always claimed I dressed for comfort, but many times I bought clothes to hide my expanding figure. Now as I’m getting smaller, do I like the dressier materials? Do I prefer to be seen as “taking better care” of myself? The funny thing is that while I do like those clothes time to time, it’s truly those comfortable clothes I go back to time and time again…

When I run to Target and it’s just me - I reach for comfort. I reach for the shirt that feels the best on my body. It’s not about “how I look”….but when I go to lunch with the girls, I put extra thought in and think - “Maybe I should wear this instead”….because maybe I want to be perceived as someone who dresses a different way.

I really tossed this around in my mind this weekend, and decided that since I’m in my 40’s, I’m going to stop dressing for others, and dress for me. Colors I love, styles I love, materials I love - and comfort, which I love. It’s who I am….I do like sweatshirts and soft t-shirts - and I guess I’m just not going to “outgrow” that.

….so here I’ll be in all my glory, sweatshirt, sneakers, natural make-up — and just being me.

Let’s face it, it’s a small market, so they can charge what they want - but come on - $60 for a tank top? All the stores aren’t like that, but most that I found are….and it bites.

Often times I find myself just going to the men’s department at Target or something and buying up a size in their C9 stuff. It’s not “cut for me” and my curves, but it fits and it costs under $20. It will work for now.

I’ve ALMOST bought this stupid $60 tank 5x now, but I stop myself…sure I’d use it a lot, and it would “fit” me as a shirt should — but you know what? It’s the point that you’re charging me this much for a TANK TOP. No thank you — I’ll work around it for now. Keep your overpriced pieces and I’ll go find something else.

Ladies looking for cheaper options? Walmart has some Danskin stuff in bigger sizes, Just My Size has some (champion/brand stuff), Target has some C9 stuff in larger sizes…check the men’s department…check TJ Maxx and Marshall’s for some discounts….and when you’re ready to fit into a smaller size, then go by a regular priced running shirt.

Until then, the pretty $60 tank top place can bite my round arse.

I tried on a blouse and almost bought the 2x. I used to wear a 3x, but now need a 1x. The 2x was a little loose, and I like that loose feeling - it hides me like a security blanket, but when I put on the 1x, it fit like it was supposed to. It looked better….and yet my brain wanted the 2x. Will the 1x cling, will everyone know I bought the wrong size. The problem is, the 2x was the wrong size….I stood there looking in the mirror at my self, my body….and chose the 1x for fit.

My lower body has is still between a 1x and a 2x based on the brand or cut of an item. My stomach will be the deciding factor on pants I might buy. I put on a dress…dare I pick up a 20…I’ve always been between a 22-24, and let’s be honest, I’d creeped to the 26 size on some items…then I picked up a size 18 too…just in case. Why? I know it won’t fit…but i put the dress on, and my body is between those two sizes…..

Running and my lower calories are slowly changing my body….my brain is a few steps behind. Sometimes I get excited to see the smaller size, other times I stand there and feel like a fake, a phony - and think I’m a fool to buy that size…just get the bigger one, “just in case”….it’s a process….something I need to go through - to heal my mind. I’m getting there….to a healthier body and mind.

I am who I am. I’m happy, upbeat person. I don’t cower in fear, avoid people, or give off negative vibes. I’m nice to people, and people are nice back. I’m not going to go on and on about people not being nice…generally- you get what you give, and I’m a true believer in that. Put out good energy, and you’ll get that in return.

What I’m talking about is going “unnoticed”. It’s a hard concept to explain to somebody - because they’ll find 100 different reasons as to why you “feel” that way. It must be this…or maybe your imagination, or that…or well, maybe….nope. It’s my size. People are uncomfortable around fat people - and avoidance is often just easier I think.

I’ve lost a good amount of weight, and still have quite a ways to go. What’s happened with dropping 35 pounds though is that I’m more narrow than I used to be. My shoulders, my hips, my body — it’s getting smaller.

As I get smaller - people look at me more. I see it happening. I feel it happening ….it feels weird. Suddenly I am visible. I went to the store yesterday and people (cough, more men than women) were noticing me. Hmmmm, a lot of them were noticing me. What a weird feeling. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not some beastly looking woman, so men have on occasion passed a glance my way - but this was different. Suddenly, I went from walking through a store almost completely unnoticed, to walking through a store and man after man was making eye contact with me, or glancing my way…hey, I’m human. I noticed…being noticed.

I’ve never had issues with dating or such, and am quite happily married. It’s just - well, it’s nice to be seen again. I’m still over 200 pounds and have a ways to go before reaching my goal, but I just wanted to say - it was like I crossed some unspoken line between visibility and invisibility. Not a clue what my magic number was - but it’s happened. Weird.

When a woman loses 10 pounds and says she dropped a size - she generally wears a size below 14. When a size 24 woman says she loses 10 pounds, she still wears a size 24.

You see when it comes to plus size clothing - there’s generally a 20 pound difference between sizes. As you lose weight, and get to smaller sizes, you will change clothing size faster.

Have you been to a gym maybe and heard someone say, I lost 2 pant sizes - and they’re done maybe 17 pounds? Frustrating if you don’t realize how it translates to plus sizes. This works in two different ways…

1. good for going up in size
2. bad for going down in size

HA - let me explain

I can stay a size 22 or 24 and gain close to 20 pounds and REMAIN that size….but when it comes time to lose weight…it can be frustrating seeing a drop in size

I’ve been running and on a diet…I’ve lost 34 pounds. Am I down 3 sizes? Nope — I’m down 1 size, hoping to find my way down a 2nd size in a few more pounds…

Oh well…I’m on my way to a new size soon enough.

One thing that everybody has different inside of them is their own personal journey with their weight, attempts at weight loss and body changes. We all react to things that have grown inside of us as well as our external bodies changing.

I’m in the process of losing some weight, and while I’ll still be in this plus size range for quite awhile - I’m seeing a small change in my body. It got me to thinking - will I always see myself as a plus sized woman, even if I change sizes enough to shop in “regular” clothing sections of stores?

What will my mind do? How many thinner women still have plus sized mentalities if they were once heavy?

I have been a plus sized woman for about 20 years now. It’s who I am, who I became, and it’s molded much of my life. I have built in mindsets on many things, because of what I’ve experienced as a plus-sized girl.

What happens when my jean size is no longer that of a plus sized woman? Will my mind understand that my body has changed it’s shape - or will I always see myself as a plus sized girl? What will change more - my attitude, my body, or my strength to understand that I am ever evolving?

I’m proud of my accomplishment of losing 24 pounds so far, but even with that drop in the bucket, I’m far from reaching normal (as the fashion industry sees it) sizing. In plus sizes, women have to lose a good 20 pounds to drop a size, where as in regular sizing you drop a size with about a 10 pound loss. I don’t know where I’ll end up on the size range in the future, but with over 20 years of being an overweight person, I can’t expect my mind to change overnight either.

It is fascinating to watch my body change in bits and pieces - and I hope I come to accept and understand I am still me - whether I have a smaller or larger body. While my insides heal and continue to be nourished, loving myself is always the best thing I can do - regardless of my size.

Regardless, I went looking for a plus size sports bra - and mostly found UP TO a 40D. I need it to be a little bigger. Depending on the make of the bra, I can range from a 44D to a 46D. I found a bra I really liked, but it didn’t fit, ha. I do know that in a few more inches, a few more pounds gone, I’ll be able to fit into it….

Here’s the thing - it didn’t fit.

In fact, when I searched on line, most companies stopped their sizes at a 40. What’s a running girl to do?

I wanted to send KUDOS out to Just My Size for remembering my girls and also Moving Comfort for keeping my larger girls in larger sizes. These are two companies worth checking out if you’re hitting the wall looking for those larger sizes. I’ve put an order in for 2 bras - here’s hoping for a great fit.

In general though - most places go up to about a size 16, maybe 18 (XL) at the highest.

Now, don’t get me wrong - I understand not all runners are oversized people, but in my travels online, there are a ton of men and women who aren’t small or petite. I see a lot of plus size people trying to break into running, trying to shed weight.

Here’s the thing…if you offer nice fitting gear for the plus size crowd - you’re going to build a loyalty as they drop weight and continue to buy clothing for their new smaller bodies…You think I won’t remember who had clothes my size if I lose weight? Damn straight — if you’re a company who has written me off for being plus size, I’m not going out of my way to buy your brand if I become more regular sized.

I will however go out of my way to buy from companies who were willing to size people in the plus size arena.

As I’ve restarted this running effort - I’m looking for neat items, etc to help keep me motivated, excited and moving. For me - it adds a little kick and motivation to get something small and new when trying something new. Imagine if I become a loyal client for life if I’m running for the next 20 years….mmmhmmmm, now imagine my spending dollars going to another company - because you didn’t even bother to consider someone who was a 2x or a 3x…

Don’t you worry - I found something for me…some Champion shorts…a fun shirt on One More Mile Running…and I’ll be sure to buy from them plenty of times in the future. Just saying…Plus size running gear — something to think about.