Sometimes when I look at self in the mirror, I focus only on my face. I make sure my hair and make-up look just so, and then maybe add a necklace, but I choose not to pay attention to “other bits” of me sometimes. I see it – you can’t not. It’s just sometimes my day to day good mood thing sort of relies on my denial of my size.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dressing inappropriately for my size – I just try not to glare at how large my arms or hips are.
There are times that you can’t help but see your largeness. Sometimes it’s overwhelming…and just slaps you clear across the face. We can get oblivious to numbers on a scale if we hear the number enough, but show me a photograph and I have to stare at it…Am I really THAT big? Holy cow, I am.
Now, here’s a funny little thing. A picture where I’m standing there alone, I look big – and I see how heavy I’ve gotten, but take my picture next to a friend or family member, and I can’t help but realize I take up twice as much space. Really??!! Yes, crazy, right.
I have a wedding picture with an entire family – and every one else is “person” size, then you get to me, smack in the middle of the picture and I’m almost “two people”. I don’t feel like two people when I look in the mirror at home, but in a picture, I stare — I can’t help but see it.
I took a picture with my sister in Epcot (Florida/Disney) this past year…I’m twice as wide as she is. Yet, when I stand next to her talking, having fun at Epcot, I don’t feel twice as wide. Then I see the picture and I’m horrified, embarrassed, just ashamed that my body is this shape.
I’m trying – really I am. I ran three half marathons this year, have 4 on schedule for next year. Yes, I said RUN, not walk. My body has a really hard time letting go of weight. I worked one on one with a personal trainer for a year and didn’t lose any weight. I ate clean, I’ve done it all – my metabolic panel is a mess. I work with my internist bi-weekly – I’m giving it a go, but my body isn’t changing a lot. My body fat has dropped a lot with running, but my size and shape didn’t change a ton. It’s frustrating…and I tend to forget – until I see those damn pictures.
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