Does fat girl complex stay with you even if you lose weight? I think that if you’ve been overweight for a long enough period of time, that it stays with you for awhile. I know that as my body is slowly changing shape – it’s taking longer for my mind to catch up. I’m not talking about suddenly dropping 100 pounds, but even things like losing 30 pounds or so….are there different layers of how fat you feel?
Fat girl complex is that point in your mind where everything you do is based on your size. “Will they not like me because I’m fat?”, “Will I fit in the seat on the airplane?”, “I have to be smarter, better, stronger at this or that, so they don’t notice I’m fat”…..oh yeah…the games we play with ourselves and the things we over achieve on because we’re fat, and want to prove we can — even if we are fat.
I’m not sure about everyone else, but for me it’s been an interesting journey. I was at a hotel a few weeks ago that had a full length mirror. I don’t have a full length mirror at my house, but see myself time to time in fitting rooms in stores. The thing is, at a store, we’re trying on clothing and seeing how it looks on us, and we’re all ready in this self-loathing, oh I’m so fat mode. This shirt makes me look fat — or ummm, could it be I’m putting a shirt on a frame that carries more than 200 pounds? Okay, so that’s besides the point….haaaa
Anyway, I’m in the hotel and I can’t help but study my body in the mirror. Geez, I think I’m starting to be a little smaller than I used to be. I’m not talking small, I’m talking “smaller than I was”. I looked at my hips, my waist, my shoulders — and I was more narrow. Is it an illusion? Then I turned sideways….BINGO! There’s the body I know and loathe at moments. Carrying extra weight, looking pregnant though my kids are almost grown — so I turned back and looked at myself from the front…and yes I saw it – I smiled, and I was right. I was more narrow in this direction — just not in the other yet. I’ll get there eventually if I keep at it…and if I don’t, maybe I’ll at least learn more about myself during the journey.
Either way, I’m moving my body – eating better, and my clothes are fitting a little better….and for a moment I was able to look in the mirror and see the start of a body I could appreciate a little more. These legs have carried me through three half marathons, countless miles of training, and my body is appreciating the healthier foods I’m feeding it – the smaller portions are more than enough, and I’m doing okay. I’m still going to be in plus sizes for quite a while. I thought the weight would drop off quicker, but even at a slow pace, I’m getting healthier — and in my 40′s, I’m all for that.
{ Comments on this entry are closed }